By Trudi-Rose Edwards
A young, ambitious New York City matchmaker finds herself torn between the perfect match and her imperfect ex.
That’s the official synopsis offered up by Materialists’ distributor A24. Accompanied by the retro-inspired poster and those press tour photos of star Dakota Johnson sitting smugly between Chris Evans and (who else?) Pedro Pascal, in many ways Materialists presents itself much like an online dating profile: intriguing and tasteful with great bone structure.
Sadly, much like an online dating profile, Materialists doesn’t deliver; behind the glossy, highly curated photoshoots and taglines is a dull, tedious and ultimately disappointing affair.
Yes, I get that it’s supposed to be a critique on the state of dating in the big city in the modern era (RIP Carrie Bradshaw) and yes, it turns out the point of this movie isn’t as ‘simple’ as a mere love triangle. I wish it was as ‘simple’ as a mere love triangle because Materialists is a multifaced mess of half-baked messages that are as insightful as overhearing your best friend’s account of a first date the morning after the night before.
Dakota Johnson plays Lucy the top matchmaker at an exclusive Manhattan dating company. When she’s not fixing up her long list of incredibly picky clients, she’s on the lookout for her own Mr Right, ideally – and she can’t drive this home enough – someone rich. Enter Burt Reynolds – sorry – Pedro Pascal as Harry, an inexplicably single billionaire, who looks like…well, Burt Reynolds. He’s all tux and tache and charming and – don’t forget – rich.
Just when it looks like Lucy and Harry are about to hit it off, her ex, John (Chris Evans) waltzes in to rock the boat. He’s a struggling actor who still lives with roommates (perish the thought!) but y’know…he looks like Chris Evans so surely that should tip the scale somewhat. There’s clearly still a connection between the two and now Lucy has to decide whether it’s her head or her heart that wins out.
Except not really.
Harry and John are no Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver.
There’s really no compelling storyline for either man. Pedro Pascal’s Harry is the ‘unicorn’ i.e. the perfect man – rich, good-looking, tall and intelligent – he takes Lucy out to expensive Manhattan restaurants and beds her in the nicest looking silk sheets imaginable. He’s also incredibly boring and the pair seem to share no interests whatsoever, with their only lengthy conversation being the transaction-like discussion on the state of their own relationship.
You’d think this would open the doors to Chris Evans but unfortunately he has the personality of an abandoned labrador that just reeks of desperation, essentially living on standby for Lucy to come to her senses and return to him, despite no growth on his part in the five years they’ve been separated.
(He’s like the Charmander that gets abandoned in the very first series of Pokémon (millennials unite!) only without the emotional tugging of the heartstrings, redemption arc or final power move.)
It’s hard to tell what’s lower here, the stakes or Johnson’s enthusiasm for either man. I swear, Phoebe went through a better emotional rollercoaster in the 20 minute Friends episode where she has to pick between the sensitive fireman or the hot teacher (the hot teacher, always the hot teacher).
The first half of the movie plods along just fine, we’re tempted with the prospect of Lucy having to pick between these two men and her interactions with out of touch/hopelessly single clients provide much needed comic relief. But then, when one of Lucy’s clients’ dates goes terrifyingly wrong, the whole movie descends into a darker but – somehow – even more boring space.
I won’t ‘spoil’ the plot any further but it’s safe to say there’s no final brawl in the street akin to Bridget Jones.
Those hoping for big things from director and writer Celine Song after the success of her directorial debut, 2023’s Past Lives should maybe avoid the film altogether as it will surely only disappoint.
Plot aside, there’s not a ton else to talk about. The movie – perhaps ironically, perhaps not – looks GORGEOUS thanks to the great styling of our main trio. Dakota Johnson knows how to work a pant suit (although, for someone who laments earning ‘only’ 80k a year, Lucy sure owns a lot of designer clothing), Pedro Pascal seemed to use his limited screen time as a Bond audition, and 44-year-old Chris Evans and his new hair impressively rock the ‘boy-next-door’ chic.
The choice to shoot on film and have New York City as an uncredited extra also helps massively.
The trio’s acting is a little run of the mill. Johnson’s blasé and slightly cold signature acting style serves her well until the final act where she seems to run out of any enthusiasm at all. Chris Evans is sickeningly earnest but also provides the biggest laughs thanks to both his interactions with his roommates and the awkward snippets of his character’s latest acting gig. Pedro Pascal just seems to be on autopilot and if anything, is slightly miscast.
All in all, Materialists had a lot of potential to fill that gap in the market with a new take on the classic rom-com, but if this is As Good As It Gets (yet another better romantic drama) then I’d rather wait for Helen Fielding to pen us a fifth Bridget Jones novel.
Swipe left on this one.
Materialists is on at cinemas now